ghastly!

my pa just took over my com and went to a site for that mentioned pda thus making me lose that long entry i had just written. i am very tempted to add a spot of colour to this entry but i shant because it does not do good to a person to hurl abuse at their parents.

i am very frustrated that such a thing would happen. but it is futile. and if i start crying, my pa would start asking and have that condescending tone he always uses with anyone in the family. i mean, cant he open another window or just ask me? for all his 'talks' about cautiousness and concentration, he surely showed that he din give a damn about wad i wad doing. oh well, thats life with my father. it sometimes just get impossible, but look, i am already sixteen and not altogether a screw-up so that must mean something.
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i seem to have lost my mood to re-fucking-type everything i typed just now, but i'll try my best. you people know how it is, right? all the enthusiasm just went off with a big bang like some popped party balloon.

i was writing that i actually hated euphoria sessions. because i get hung over. the sessions in question are the periods of times i am away from home exceeding 12 midnight. p5 camp, sec3 camp and the recent sentosa overnight just leaves me depressed when i get back and am alone at home.

i would reminisce about the speech and actions of my fellow fellows. conversations would be recounted and every eye contact made remembered. it just feels depressing, after all that rowdiness and noise and all that interaction replaced by stoic contact between the people at home.

i mean, dont get me wrong, but wad could u really talk about to a 11 yr old sister or my mom who has to sleep during the day to work nights or to my grandma who is half deaf. being in the company of many good friends has the same effect on me as when i guzzle cool coke on a hot day.

and somehow, i would come away from this experiences with a fucking crush. i remembered for both camps there were camp counsellors. thats why i get all depressed. ghastly, i'd say.
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talking about crushes would always lead me to think about my perfect guy. i think i demand too much. but hell, we should always strive for improvement, shouldnt we? i mean, i think about my ex-boyfriend, an unpleasant chapter in my life, fortunately closed.

to say that he was boyfriend would be a stretch on the word cause all we did was talk on the phone. yeap. not much of a boyfriend i should say. ghastly indeed. and it was paradoxical to hear him talk about the future when he clearly does not think THAT far ahead.

it sickens me to talk about him but i would have to do so to illustrate my next point. the point that i dowan some backboneless guy hanging around, living his life just because he aint dead yet. i mean, shouldnt everyone has an ambition? i do have one, vaguely, but i am searching for my calling in life. continuously. yes, love is important, but it sure as hell am not gonna put food on the table and send the kids to school. i tried explaining this to him to which he childishly replied "so you'll marry a rich guy even though he doesnt love you or care about you."

so, yes, i am attracted to guys with ambition, a clear direction in life to where he is headed and the capability to love. it helps if he is a looker too.

but then, in the midst of all this evaluation, i realise that i as a person am not that desirable. i mean, i always catch myself asking myself "how the hell am i going to snag such a person when i am so repulsive?" i dunno. i always use harsh words on myself in an attempt to get myself moving, but so far, it hasnt worked. i mean, i sure as hell am not pretty. i am picky. i am tempered and at times, vulgar. and i wont back down in an argument till i have exhausted all avenues of reply. i have no idea where i am head to and i dare set such high standards. haiz...