Selfishness in the society

you people know wad? i feel very used. i feel like a sanitary pad. only when i am desperately needed (thats the time of the month for you) u search for it like hell then after u use it to your satisfaction, you throw me away. thats how i feel like.

that feeling has been around for so long that if i was a Galapagos Land Tortoise, i would already have died. like, you know in school, this usually happens. people seek u out to do stuff for them or to extract information from u.

i mean i have friend who does that so often it gets very noticeable. we are not in the same school anymore so we are not really in that CLOSE a proximity. so maybe one day i'll get an sms from her. guess wad it'll always be: hey! can you....? its always a favour needed. to help her figure out this, to accompany her there. and stupidly, i'll agree.

why? i do not know. i feel so manipulated. yet i cant bloody refuse. why? why? why? and actually, i do not know if this friend of mine actually has any interest in being friends with me. she does talk about herself much and i dont think she really cares about me.when i talk about anything happening to me, i can see her eyes glaze over until she can find a sentence to divert the attention back to her, which is usually just a sentence after i start.

i make her sound so mean, but she is an interesting person to be with. i mean, she does have her good points but really, dont we all just sees the flaws?

Digressing: i mean, today, my pa just went 'you want to become useless?' because of that stupid PDA again. i did so many things for him but he overlooked all that just because i havent got around to fiddling with the bluetooth and updating the flash memory or some shit like dat. its truly amazing. i mean, i dont hate my father, but really! sometimes it just makes me so sad that i can do so much, but in an instant, everything just burns down to ashes.

back to the topic: i mean when she has exhausted all her friends, then i am looked for. she complains that friends dont reply to her but then i remember she doesnt even bother replying to me when i contact her unless i call her up. i would just prefer to shut up, but really...
i do not know if she would read this entry, since she is so busy with her other new friends.
i really want to stay friends with people i already am with. i still contact people from my primary school and we go out and stuff and we can still hang quite nicely.

i hate to be manipulated.

worst thing is, its not only her. its alot of other people too. i think it all boils down to one thing:

selfishness. i mean if u dont do things for yourself, who will?

you donate money. you say its for the orphans or the aged. but really, i think tat the major factor is to satisfy yourself. maybe u want to be free from guilt at being more fortunate then the beneficiaries. maybe u want to stop the irritating jabbering kid asking for the donation. maybe u want to feel good at the notion of having been generous and selfless (irony alert!).

hmm. i ought to do a psycho paper on this.

you see, i think we humans are selfish. it bothers me, but even i am selfish. i want attention. which is why am on the blardi msn and yahoo msgr and have this stupid blog, constantly whining about the lack of attention paid to me. i am selfish! but everybody else is too. the thing that REALLY bothers me is that some people are too selfish. there are degrees to selfishness and i guess really selfish people, like some people, puts me off.

i cant really figure this out and my head feels like its going to burst.

another topic: my father. i dunno.... he seems really reluctant to let me go to school. first theres the question of his question to me "you study so high(uni), who's going to marry you later?" then he seems to mention this: "you finish school already right?" alot, and i mean ALOT, of times. he seems to think that i am not going to continue schooling. it is a tad amazing. he had a 'career talk' with me sometime back (refer to old entries) and it seems that he wants me to embark on a working life as soon as possible, suggesting teaching: a stable, safe job. and he mentioned that i would be earning 7,000 bucks and would impart to him 2,000 bucks to him each month so he is free to go fishing everyday.

thing is, i dont object to the money part.( i mean earning 7000? yes sir! i'll raise my hand up high to get THAT kind of pay) his lack of ambition for me is worrying. i mean my ma dreams of sending me to uni on a scholarship and then to eventually get a PhD and hold some high paying job at the end of it all and support my parents.

yeah, yeah, so they both end up at the same place: to support them when they get old and to allow them to live in luxury. but its the journey. or lack of one in one case.

i mean i am starting to abhor teaching, but thats a story for another time. i have learnt to not defy my father. crap, if i did, i'll be the one feeling all guilty and stuff. my father is like the mafia with words for guns. i totally dread going against him.

(sometimes i wish i could be rude to him and then not feel guilty afterwards but in my 16 yrs, it has never happened. neither the former nor the latter. in my opinion, anyway. i mean, people have such different ideas about manners, its amazing)

so again, i am stuck. coz i dont have a fucking idea where to go.

A RANT

for the 3rd time, the glasses of my specs broke. its framelss so it is a tad fragile. first time, my sis hammered it with a takraw ball. and this time around, she caused it again! now i have a bloody (meant for emphasis, its not really bloody) cut around my eyebrow area. and i have to change my specs! for the 3rd time! just when i am broke! just when i dont have a job! just when people owe me alot of money! just when i need to buy shoes! just when i need to shop for stationery! wad the hell. funny lor.. i ask my sis to help me wipe my specs and it came back cracked on one side. then, today, she and her friend tackled me and then i slammed into God-knows-what, breaking my already cracked specs. wad the. now how? i go around like a fucking blind. ARGH!

sidetracking: i had cornflakes with coffee for dinner because my ma din cook enough or someone ate too much. the stupid PDA refuses to connect with my computer; the stupid Activesync doesnt want to work. i got scolded by my father as stated above, leading me to thinking that maybe i am useless but i know that i just procastinate too much (got valid reasons, you know). Ngee Ann Poly sent me a mini magazine to illustrate a *scoff*wonderful*scoff* life i'll have if i go there and i'll be holding some *scoff*high paying job*scoff* after i graduate from there because their grads are *scoff*highly*scoff* sought after. i din manage to catch the last 20 minutes of CSI.

today was a bad day. lets hope tmrw will be better.

it amazes me how negative my entries are. no wonder no one reads it