i am depressed.

going for art lessons are depressing. in short, i feel like shit. now, we may not all know wad it is to feel like shit and so i shall go into deeper description of it.

first off, to feel like shit is to feel incapable, bla bla. u see other's works and know that u can never reach their standard. then u feel frustrated because u feel powerless to do anything. then u feel depressed because u cant do anything. (yes, i meant to repeat that)

i wonder what the hell i am doing in such an environment. in njc aep. i dont even have the basic skills mr chia often talks about. other ppl, wah... nothing ever goes right. esp pencil works. shit. painting is worse. today, we had to paint in black and white and greys. i painted shit. it looked flat and the paint just wont cooperate. my drawing sucks.

yesterday we did these drawings. mine looked childish and useless.

i dont mean to whine. i am trying as hard as i can to improve myself. but others are progressing so fast, i feel slow. maybe i am just that. slow. i feel demoralised. nothing ever seems right.

going for basketball training is worse. whenever we train our attack formation i feel so lost. whenever we run long distance, i am damn slow, left behind, struggling by myself. i dont know if i can cope. it all seems bleak u noe.

i only have seven free periods including the four consultation periods during my school days. and, as u can see from the last entry, i am always dismissed very late from school. then, still got ccas. i dont know which is more taxing: the long hours i've been keeping in school or the depressing feelings i get nowadays.

its about to get worse.

because i cant slack on any day after that(the shift of bball training to wednesday). believe me, one day per week is not enough because even as i try to relax, i just cant because i keep thinking about stuff.

i've been forgetting alot of stuff nowadays. i cant remember where i put my water bottleS and i had just forgotten to sms my mother last night when my father had asked me to. even as i am writing this, i have to reread each sentence to check for atrocious grammar. and believe me, there've been plenty.

i am so tired.

very tired.