this sucks

i am now stuck in a rut. i love playing basketball but i honestly do not think i have the time to commit to it as a cca. the current state of events have left me very exhausted.

being in njc is very taxing. being in njc aep just sucks the life out of me. i like being part of this community, but, well, to tell you the truth, i have no idea what i am doing here. I do not think i can have the capability to be an art student because they all have high calibre and i do not think of myself as an artist. this feeling has existed for as long as i can remember because, being surrounded by talented people, first in bpghs (izy! and gens!) and now in njc, exposed to every single one of these talented individuals gets me down in the dumps.

like today, i was trying to paint some weirdass thing and ended up getting the colours all wrong and weird. so i ripped it out and started again. then it turned out all weirdass and i was spazzing out while singing along to the weirdass music that 98.7 has started playing out of the blue.

i was really grumpy and whiny in school today because of the all-nighter i pulled off to finish this painting that was 2 months overdue. and then the physics paper was, like, written in some kah-blooi (read:unreadable) language and i have this horrible ominous feeling that i am going to fail all the papers i took.

the reason why i am feeling especially shitty is that i am feeling stuck. you see, its my ccas. i have to be faithful to art club. and mldds. that leaves basketball. the thing about basketball is, my life is so dominated by ART that i dont have time to go for trainings. and i feel really bad when i run down from the art room and to find that they have already started on their cool down exercises. to tell you the truth, i am getting quite sick of basketball training. after playing for 4 yrs, after doing the incessant drills under the hot sun, running around the field at wuzhong and track and road run route (ooh! alliteration!) at njc, i think i cant stand it any longer.


all of the sudden, i am feeling very lazy and unmotivated.


i am really questioning the point of all this, all that i am doing right now. Why do i take this subject combi that i am taking right now? What am i doing in a JC? Why?

you see, i feel very incomptetent in whatever i do, especially after the papers i took this week. I cant do anything, and pretty much screwed everything up. What the hell am i going to do?

i seem to have lost my direction in life and am fumbling about for that little lamp that maybe can help lighten the path so that i can see where i am going. Tragically, i dont see any such lamp and as the days drag on, i am feeling even more useless.

where is my self-worth?